The Great (Almost) Recession‑Rumble

“Economic News Flash” – hosted by Greg Rank (a.k.a. the “Market Meme‑Lord”).

1. Paper‑Bag Panic

What the headlines don’t tell you: Retail giants have stopped ordering the giant brown boxes that once resembled mini‑fortresses. Shoppers are now choosing paper over plastic for their grocery bags, but you can't get the sturdy double paper handles anymore. Stores are scrambling to stock extra rolls of the “eco‑friendly” paper that tears the moment you try to carry a bag of potatoes. Bottom line: your kids forts will have to source cardboard elsewhere.

2. Taco‑Truck Tragedy

Breaking: The nation’s favorite street‑food staple is under siege. 2025’s “taco‑truck diet” is shrinking—people are buying one or two fewer tacos per visit. The culprit? A sudden surge in “budget‑conscious” diners who think a single taco counts as a balanced meal. Meanwhile, the taco‑truck owners are now offering “taco-mini's” (about the size of a silver dollar, if you remember those) to keep the cash flowing. No more egg tacos since the price of eggs remains high due to chicken tarriffs.

3. Semi‑Truck Snooze‑Fest

Industry insiders report a massive “nap‑time” among semi‑truck buyers. 2025 saw a record‑low in new semis because drivers are opting for “e-bike‑cargo-courier” gigs instead—after all, who needs a 20‑ton rig when you can zip around town on an electric cargo bike? Add a 25 % tariff on imported semis (because apparently the government loves collecting extra cash) and people don't know the difference between tarriffs, taxes, inflation, deflation, stagflation, and tea parties.

4. Thrift‑Shop Treasure Hunt

Shoes are the top seller on eBay, pointing to a return to walking as the price of gas and electricity surges. The hunt is on! Highschool manufactured clay busts named Andrew are another hot ticket on eBay these days. This has analysts confused.

5. Job‑Hopping Freeze‑Dance

IT workers have been displaced by AI and three dollar coders from Venezuela. Everytime Trump bombs a boat, another coder dies. Still, no one wants to hire unemployed IT workers. Not even for sitcom work as extras. Employees are staying glued to their desks, terrified that moving to a new job will trigger a “career‑crisis” alarm. Quit rates have plummeted to historic lows because everyone’s waiting for the “Golden Ticket”—the mythical job that promises both a raise, gym membership, on site massage, yoga, daycare, lunch, a bed, and free coffee so they can live their dreams, work a 996 schedule and birth another Musk child. Until then, the office plants are the only things getting a change of scenery. And water, plants get water while workers are to afraid to fetch a cup.

6. Home‑Equity Houdini

Everyone is pulling cash out of their house to buy a jet ski. 2025 saw a 12 % jump in homeowners borrowing against their insulation to fund “essential” purchases like designer egg boilers and and smart-herb de-stemers. The average borrower now pays an extra $800 a year for the privilege of working a home business. Poof! Money appears… until tax day, and the next mortgage statement.

But have no fear, the parking lot attendent just promoted to bank regulator has approved Erebor bank application. Erebor will help the dwarfs from middle earth establish credit in and around the mountain area.

7. K‑Shape Karaoke

Imagine the economy as a karaoke night. The top 10 % of singers (the rich) are belting out “I Can't Get No Satisfaction” at full volume, while the rest of the crowd is stuck humming “You Can't Always Get What You Want”. Survey scores read 6.2/10 for the wealthy (they’re slightly off‑key) and 4.4/10 for everyone else (they’re definitely off‑beat). The overall vibe? A “K‑shaped” chorus where the high notes pierce the ear and the low notes sound like a drunk Barry White.

8. Top‑Ten Grievances

Utility‑Bill Unicorns – Bills that magically grow overnight to fund your AI bot addiction.
Inflation‑Induced Ice‑Cream‑Sundae Shortage – People are boiling apples, adding chocolate and spraying on whip cream instead.
Housing‑Horror‑Show – Rent has risen by a factor of four, pushing five with new tariffs and power bills to ensure Sam Altman of OpenAI keeps getting richer.
Dream‑Detour – The “American Dream” now includes lowering your expectations to just stay out of jail and keep yourself hidden from the new thought police.
Wage‑Wobble – Salaries are changing every month. It all depends now on whether employers want to pay you this month. They can't afford your healthcare anymore and are looking forward to more AI and robots.
Corporate‑Greed‑Gorilla – Big business has taken over Congress while Senators sing Springsteen's Jungle Land and laugh at his new award winning movie.
Debt‑Doom‑Dominoes – Even if your car is paid off it might get repo'd. The tow truck drive has already sold your car in the secondary used car market. It's legal and all part of the recent "Finders Keepers" legislation that passed.
Community‑Crisis‑Café – Peete's Coffee is under renovation where everyone was used to sipping loneliness lattes while keeping each other company ignoring one another on their devices.
Retirement‑Riddle – “Trump would like to cancel social security and have all the old people work the farms his ICE staff have gutted. "Old people need exercise and young people need food". That's his motto.”
Stagflation‑Stadium – No, that's not the name of a horse. The 1970s are back, and you'll have to contact your AI to find out what that word means.

9. Stagflation‑Sideshow

Step right up! The 1970s have returned, but this time they brought a the return of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Show on CBS. Tom Smothers played by a Halogram. But Dicky won't perform with him if he isn't real. The show is boring but Ringo showed up. Instead of oil, the circus now runs on cheap coalAI‑data‑center electricity, which has been de-flating faster than oil and a clown’s red nose. Residential electric bills have jumped 30‑50 %, leaving families wondering if they should trade their lights for head band LED flashlights. The result? Inflation that refuses to leave the tent, and your Spotify payouts just got worse because the CEO needs another pool.

10. Final Curtain Call – “Be Ready, or Be… Late”

The moral of the story? If you’ve been following Greg's “financial‑fitness” videos, like Loan Shark City, you might already have a “rain‑coat for the recession”. If not, you’re probably still walking barefoot in the snow. Either way, the stage is set, the lights are dimming, and the audience (that’s us) is waiting for the next act: “2048 - Elliots War, it's a short story".” Stay tuned, stay witty, and remember—when the economy starts acting like a sitcom, it’s time to grab that really yummy Apple/Chocalate dish (with whip cream on top).

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