BREAKINGLocal Man Discovers He Can't Actually Afford Anything

By PENNY PINCHER | Financial Correspondent | 6:00 AM EST

In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples through the local community, area resident John Everyman reported yesterday that despite working multiple jobs, he has come to the startling realization that he cannot actually afford any of the things he currently owns.

"The weight is on their side, the boys they know the code," Everyman muttered cryptically when asked about his financial advisors. "They're just working for the government and doing what they're told."

The revelation came after Everyman attempted to purchase a modest vehicle and was informed by the dealership that he would need to finance approximately 847% of the car's value over the next 30 years.

"The dealer takes you by the hand and shows you through the lot, then he goes and checks your credit - he wants everything you've got." - John Everyman, describing his car shopping experience

Housing market experts are calling this a "completely normal" situation in today's economy.

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Housing Market Reaches New Heights of Creativity

By MORT GAGE | Real Estate Analyst | 5:30 AM EST

Local real estate mogul Sy Slick made headlines this week with his innovative new pricing structure that has revolutionized the concept of homeownership affordability.

"You want to buy a house?" Slick said with his trademark grin. "Wait while I get the keys, I'll let you folks on in. Three hundred thousand dollars - but when you add in the interest, you'll pay that man three times what is printed on that list."

The new model, dubbed "Triple Your Pleasure Financing," ensures that homebuyers get the maximum possible experience from their mortgage payments by extending them across multiple generations.

Early adopters report mixed feelings about the program, with one couple noting: "Me and my wife just sit and watch TV, wondering what ever happened - weren't we born to be free?"

EDITORIAL: The American Dream Gets a Price Adjustment

By THE EDITORIAL BOARD | 4:00 AM EST

Recent studies show that modern Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of financial engagement, with many citizens now working 80+ hours per week to maintain their lifestyle choices.

"We're so broke and freedom costs so much, now we're working 80 hours to pay off everything we've touched," reported one satisfied consumer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of additional charges.

Government auditors praised the system's efficiency, noting their commitment to keeping people honest since "freedom breeds corruption." They assured citizens that their ongoing audits will continue "without interruption."

"Down in Loan Shark City, everybody wants your pay. In Loan Shark City, nobody gets away." - Anonymous financial philosopher

City officials remind residents that this is simply the natural evolution of the free market system working exactly as intended.